I just finished my first year of college, and I had to write a few papers which all turned out pretty well. So, I thought I would share some pro tips and tricks for how to crush any essays you ever have to write.
The quality of your paper has nothing to do with the arguments and perspectives you put forward. All that matters is that your paper has the style of presentation which makes it seem like you know what you are talking about.
- Tip 1: Make Your Topic Clear
You do not want your reader to be confused as to what your paper is about. To make sure this doesn’t happen, you should have within the first paragraph of your paper a sentence that says “This paper will be about…”. This makes it clear what your paper is about so the reader can not misinterpret it.
- Tip 2: Make It Clear Who Wrote Your Paper
You might think that putting your name at the top of the essay, would make it clear that it was written by you. However, it is better to play it safe and make it clear. If you make it clear that the paper was written by you, you can avoid any charges of plagiarism being thrown at you.
Example Sentence: “I, myself, Aaron Baughman, hold in my mind the belief that peak sausage is better than peak bacon.
- Tip 3: Make The Scope of Your Topic Abundantly Clear
You might think that the substance of your paper would make the scope of your topic clear, but remember substance is not what matters. What matters is having presentation that makes it seem like there is substance! To make the scope clear, you should put in your intro paragraph something along the lines of: “Throughout history…”, “Many people hold opinions on…”, or “[Insert Topic Here] is the most important thing in the world as noted by important people”.
- Tip 4: Do Not Be Confident
This is where presentation is really important! Instead of saying something assertive, such as, “the sky is blue”, you’re going to want to say something more along the lines of “the sky might be blue” because nothing can be known for sure. If you use qualifying statements for everything, you can never be wrong.
Make sure to use the Socrates quote: “True knowledge exists in that you know nothing.” Also, if your professor challenges you on this, point them to the aptly placed Socrates quote in your paper. If they challenge you on not being assertive, they are challenging Socrates, which you could use to publicly shame them (I’ve heard blackmail is an effective way to crush any essay).
- Tip 5: Blackmail
Okay, this tip has nothing to do with your paper’s presentation or substance, and I have never personally tested it, so do not hold me accountable on this one. You need to find some incriminating dirt about your professor to hold onto throughout the semester. Do not make it obvious that you have this information, but make allusions to it throughout class discussion and any emails you have with your professor. They will probably pick up on what you’re putting down and be afraid to give you anything less than a B.
E. Aaron Baughman's Eclectic Mess 